Thursday, August 13, 2009

Win none, lose none

A friend once related a saying of her Grandmother’s to me, “Close your eyes and you will see what is yours in this world.” In adopting a somewhat nomadic lifestyle over the recent years, I’ve gradually abandoned attachments to many objects and luxuries. However, peeling myself from human relationships has proved a more difficult process.

A month ago a discussion between a different friend and I escalated to an argument. She withdrew, becoming icy and dispassionate and I left her home seething with anger. Although I left at the time, I am less inclined to put an indefinite end to communications with people that I have grown to care about. I am grateful for the growth opportunity that comes from working through differences. Therefore, weeks later, after a useless layer of pride was shed I approached her. She told me in person, and later in writing that she does not want me in her life, that she never considered me a friend, and never would.

I remember when I had a wisdom tooth removed last year. I leisurely sat in the chair, and before I said ‘Good morning’ they were injecting my gums with anesthetic. Then I heard cracking sounds, followed by a tugging sensation, and suddenly I was looking at my tooth in this mans gloved hand. I left the office and burst into tears, at last decompressing from the violence of that process and the swiftness with which it had transpired.

Such was the shock of approaching a friend in the spirit of joy and forgiveness and being met with unforgiving coldness.

Multiple rivers contribute to the ocean of remorse I presently feel. I am genuinely surprised at her reaction. I mourn the fact that I am sealed from her life, and that she does not see me as someone worth knowing. Or is this painful because fate was decided by words I never meant? Perhaps the weight of my angst rests in the truth that there is absolutely nothing I can do.

Whether you think it is right or wrong, wise or unwise, people exercise their will and do exactly what they want to do. I would love to say that she is a cruel individual, and that this adds to a wealth of evidence that an attitude of mistrust toward pursuing human connections is safest. Yet something within warns me, “Don’t let this experience close your heart to people. Don’t let it close your heart…”

After we spoke for the last time and the tears had slowed I sat down on a bench. Instinctively protecting my heart, I hugged my legs to my chest and rested my forehead on my knees. Just then someone grasped my knee as if to wake me from a nightmare. Bewildered, I looked up to see a woman on the phone smiling warmly at me. I did not wake. Still without words she caressed my shoulder, as if to say ‘Wake up! It’s really going to be ok.’ I felt a revived sense of consciousness like my hand had been on a hot stove the whole time and the heat, supplied by this kind individual, finally reached my awareness.

I am grateful to that woman who not only perceived a stranger’s sadness, but took the leap to give comfort. I feel myself becoming lighter as I let go of that person whose friendship I thought was permanent. And I smile at the richness of this human exchange, despite its transience.

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